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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 23, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

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please. okay, thank you? yes, bye. >> hey, can we talk to the green man? let's go. thank you. charlie, where is frank? it's very important. >> really important. >> oh, frank? >> yes. >> oh, he's standing right there. >> frank, what the hell are you doing? >> he's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. i'm pretty sure he's on acid. >> thank god you guys are here. how'd you get in here? >> what are you talking about? >> i've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours. >> i think he took a dump in there. >> can you give us a second, please? >> whatever. i'm getting tired of watching him anyway. >> all right, frank, listen. did you bring your gun today? >> okay, great. >> yeah, awesome. >> now walk me through the plan. >> well, the plan is: i get close to dee, all right. when she goes to punt the ball, i'll fire the gun, it'll startle her, she'll blow the kick. >> that's a great plan. >> wait a second. how long have we been standing right here? >> like, two seconds. >> seriously? >> yeah. frank, give me the gun. we're in a hurry-- come on. >> where is it? >> it's in your hand. >> wait, wait, wait, wait! when the hell did i put green man on? >> i don't know. >> that lizard talks! >> where?! where?! i don't like lizards!
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>> we don't have time for this. >> frank, just give us the gun! (gun clicks) whoa, whoa, whoa! >> lizard, am i standing in poop? >> i'm about to demonstrate to all of you my natural abilities as a punter. i'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards right in front of your faces, and i'm gonna do it... as a woman. (men groaning) oh, that's right. i'm a woman! and i'm about to show all of you that women should be allowed to try out for the philadelphia eagles. coach? (coach sighs) wrap your minds around this. (thud) >> oh! >> damn! >> oh, i broke my... (men laughing) oh, i maybe broke it. oh, sweet jesus, i think i broke it. >> kick your legs, man, come on. >> all right, frank, you're out of the trash can. now, a deal is a deal. give us the gun. >> hold on, hold on, i'm really peaking here. >> oh, come on. >> stop pointing the gun at us. >> stop pointing it at us! >> come on, man, point it somewhere else. >> hey, nobody minds if i do a little dancing right now, do they? >> nobody cares if you're dancing, charlie. >> hey, guys. >> frank. >> could somebody please take me to the hospital? because i'm pretty sure i just
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broke every single bone in my foot punting that football. >> really? >> yeah, i didn't make the eagles, but i would like to go to the emergency room right now, please. >> so your bones are made out of glass! yes. >> (chuckling): nice. >> no, my bones aren't... you know what? forget-- it doesn't matter because i made the furthest, so i win. >> well, no, i win, because you're the girl and you got knocked unconscious. >> you dt win. you got crushed, dude. >> yes. >> what is this? that is so stupid! guess what? i made it the farthest. >> yes, yes, yes. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> what are you talking about? >> you just shattered every bone... (gunshot) >> (laughing): holy shit, this thing is loaded. >> my leg! >> doyle, are you okay? >> my leg! somebody shot my leg! >> no...! >> oh, that's not good. >> that's not good. >> no, that could come back and bite us in the ass. >> that's not a good thing. >> yeah. let's go. captioned by media access group at wgbh august 16, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause)
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart, great show for you tonight! we got a great guest tonight, our guest tonight, matt long, new york city firefighter who has competed in triathlons. oh, i guess that doesn't sound that impressive until you realize he's done it after being hit by a bus. (laughter) (audience reacts) he has a book about it. very exciting. it's been a long summer so tonight a little change of pace. we're going to cover politics. (laughter) in the wake of her saturday all or not important less than 200 vote victory over congressman ron paul in the ames, iowa, straw poll, michele bachmann's star shone brightly with the appearances on the five sunday talk show.
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this week, "face the nation," "meet the press," "the fox news sunday" "state of the union" she went on espn sunday night baseball, "real housewives of new jersey" and into the night by attempting to bust phineas and ferb. she was everywhere! clearly the media is smitten. bachmann fever, we can set until for a lengthy media overfeeding at the trough of bachmann. >> texas governor rick perry off and running in the republican presidential race. >> the texas governor comes out punching against the president. >> the texas governor rick perry has hit the ground running. >> rick perry coming out firing all guns. >> when we come back, we'll find out what minnesota congressman michele bachmann thinks about rick perry! he's new new! we haven't seen him before. the media really is the dog in "up." ball! (laughter) squirrel! squirrel! (cheers and applause) you know, it's been seven hours,
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i'm tired of michele bachmann. squirrel! (laughter) anyway, as the media said, rick perry has hit the ground running and was firing all guns or, to put that slightly more factually campaigning around iowa in a bus. >> president obama has been downgrading american jobs, he's been downgrading our standing in the world. he's going to talk about jobs, but i think the only job he cares about is the one he's got. i think you want a president that is passionate about america. (cheers and applause) that's in love with america. >> jon: you want a president that's in love with america. you want a president who would in a rainstorm grab america's hand and... (laughter) ... take shelter with america in a nearby barn, maybe help america out of its wet clothes, maybe lay america down on some hay bails and then as america and rick perry become one, the sounds of their love making merging with the thunderstorms a calfny, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock they want to look away but they
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can't. their eyes are transfixed. i am rick perry and unlike barack obama, i will (bleep) the (bleep) out of america! (cheers and applause) oh, america! ooh! oh, lord, america! oh! america, you got a pretty mouth! i love your mouth, america! (laughter) that was awkward. anyway, what are we talking about? right, right. governor, it's day two and you're already cowboy boot deep in hay hitting on america. it's long campaign, man, you're going to have to dial backback the texas a notch.
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you're already at yosemite sam level. (laughter) you've got to dial it back to "walker, texas ranger" territory of course, whilest republicans joust for position, the president of the united states has the privilege and benefit of staying above the fray. months away from having to get his hands dirty with swing state bus travel. >> reporter: president obama goes to minnesota today, starting a three day, three state bus tour. >> jon: oh for (bleep)'s sake. (laughter) seriously? obama's back in campaign mode already? >> white house officials insist this is an official event, not a campaign event. >> the obama administration insists this is not a campaign trip. >> jon: right. no, it's not a campaign trip. i'm sure the president just had some frequent greyhound miles he had to burn. (laughter) by the end of august or he loses them. plus i hear that naturally occurring swing state red, white and blue bunting fields are in full bloom. (laughter)
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actually, the white house insist this is trip has nothing to do with this election. >> it's a chance for barack obama to talk about jobs. not like he's going to be out there in middle america pandering. >> why cannon falls? >> why cannon falls? (applause) well, i had heard that cannon falls has some of the smartest, best looking kids around. and you have confirmed the rumor about the outstanding children of cannon falls. (audience reacts) >> jon: not like nearby arlen's corners. i mean, i heard their kids are ugly as a bag of walrus us (bleep), am i right? (laughter) walrus (bleep). anybody been to arlen corners? i mean, seriously, i'd show you their kids and a bag of walrus (bleep) and you'd never been b able to tell them apart. where are we heading next, bob?
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oh, haar len's corners? all right, that's not going to be good. all right, fine, it's a campaign trip and maybe a chance for barack obama to work out new material on the road. >> part of the affordable care act, health care reform, also known as obamacare. by the way, you know what? let me tell you, every no problem with folks saying obama cares. i do care. (applause) if the other side wants to be the folks who don't care, that's fine with me. >> jon: that's not what they're saying. what they're... oh! a little switcheroo! oh, really, you say obamacare has negative connotations, i find obamacare quite complementary. i'm glad you used that phrase. and thank you for using this poster at your rally. i'm a big fan of charlie chaplin's. (laughter) i am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me
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and sticks to you. as a president, the last time he ran with audacity of hope, change we can believe in, i'm not sure it will fly. what's this campaign's "yes, we can"? >> we have a political culture that doesn't seem willing to make the tough choices to move america forward. what's broken is our politics. some in congress would rather see opponents lose than america win. given the challenges we face we don't have time to play games. i know you're frustrated and i'm frustrated, too. >> jon: so i guess this time around the message is "i thought we could but it turns out the other guys are ass (bleep)s." (laughter) we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) welcome back! books. books. you may know them as the thing amazon tells you you might be interested in when you're buying d.v.d.s. (laughter) but did you know that books used to be available in what were called post office bookstores? well, they were. >> borders is going out of business. >> borders could not keep up with 21st century technology and
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trends. >> the latest break and mortar victim of a digital age. >> now where am i going to return all my books for store credit? for more we turn to resident expert john hodgman. john hodgman, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) let me ask you, how can the beloved bookstore, an institution, compete with the downloading and mail order of the book? >> well, jon, it's not going to be easy. supreme gotten used to the convenience of having books delivered right to them. if bookstores want to compete they have to give the customers a better home experience so they can get in their own homes. >> jon: so you're saying recreate... >> exactly, jon. >> jon: i didn't finish what i was saying. >> i wasn't listening. i'm talking about getting rid of those old-fashioned bookshelves and replace them with beautiful well-appointed downloading pods. book lovers simply feel themselves inside, strip down to their underwear, pick up a cold slice of pizza and start
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downloading the great works of literature in betweens bouts of masturbation and youtube. (laughter) it's all the fun and isolation of home with the inconvenience of 20-minute car ride. (laughter) >> jon: there's stuff bookstore cans do that the internet can't. >> oh, you mean like shelter the homeless? (laughter) >> jon: i'm talking about having authors visit stores. >> oh, well, now we're just splitting hairs. (laughter) >> jon: (laughs) >> the reality is, there's nothing more depressing than seeing some pasty shut-in author bare his soul in front of a half-filled row of folding chairs. (laughter) believe me, i know. (laughter) >> so what is the alternative to this? >> well, instead of hosting readings, why not host exciting live writings. bring the author in, tie him to a desk and make him write a
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novel to order. (applause) customers can shout out their own ideas while pelting the writer with $4 scones. it will be fun. george r.r. martin not finishing that new "game of thrones" book fast enough for you? well, maybe hot chai latte down his neck will speed him up. >> jon: i'm not sure a lot authors would agree to that. >> i think you're underestimating authors' desire for free chai and the occasional human touch. (laughter) >> jon: that brings up an interesting point. what about the human element? bookstores go to personal relationships with their customers you simply cannot get from a computer. there are employee interactions, employee recommendations. >> oh, yes, yes, thank you. employee picks, thank you pudgy neck beard counter guy for cluing me into philip k. dick-- again. what's the matter? are you sold out of "confederacy of dunces" this week? ha ha! up high, jon, literature slam! i got 'em! (cheers and applause)
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i think i hurt my reading elbow. >> jon: you should get that looked at. >> you raise a good point, john. bookstores employ a special class of condescending nerd. these are the types of people that used to work at video stores before they went under. (laughter) >> jon: where were they before that? >> record stores, obviously. it's been a tough couple years for condescending nerds. (laughter) and as bookstores fall, jon, american will be inundated with a wandering snarky underclass of unemployable purveyors of useless and arcane esoterica. >> jon: i'm not sure i understand. >> no, well, you wouldn't. (laughter) >> jon: you seem to hate bookstore employees. >> oh, i loathe them, jon. they shove my books under humor, not witticism as i asked! do i look like "marpl duke" to
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you? (laughter) >> jon: marmaduke is a very big dog." (laughs) >> pathetic. we have to face facts, jon, the big box bookstore has passed into history. not something we should embrace and be proud of by preserving borders as a popular historical attraction. >> jon: like colonial williamsburg. >> exactly. bring the kids down to ye olde borderstown. let them see what it felt like to paw through a clearance bin of calendar or sneak a peek at pornography printed on actual paper on the giant rack of weird magazines you've never heard of. including my personal favorite "bookstore magazine rack aficionado magazine." >> jon: i think a bookstore preserve might appeal to a small market. >> can't be smaller than the market of people who bri books anyway. so what do you like? gather round, young' uns and see
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how we used to have book lights. in the 1980s an ice cream was a sign of wealth and books didn't glow. >> jon: thank you very
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should we spend it wandering in some home improvement warehouse crowd: no! i say we go to ace crowd: yeah! get help when we walk in the door because we will maintain our homes and our weekends crowd: yeah! get your weekend back at ace the helpful place
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight he is a 17-year veteran of the fire department of new york. in 2005 he was hit by a bus and suffered life threatening injuries. he chronicles in his experience in his book available in paper back "the long run, a new york city firefighter's comeback from crash victim to elite athlete." please welcome to the program matt long. (cheers and applause) welcome back. thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> jon: what a great story. now, i know obviously you're not an accomplished author necessarily. this is the first time because, obviously, clearly surprised you didn't have time to get dressed for the... (laughter) did they just show up and say "matt, get up!" >> i kind of figures if i was running for congress it's already out there. (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: here's what's incredible. i remember your story. you were... and i hate to say this, you were just another terrible thing on the news. in 2005, tell us very quickly, there was a transit strike, you will have to bike to work. >> there was travel restrictions in the city so victim driven my car out to randall's island where i was instructor at the academy but i wasn't able to get back so i took my bicycle. about four blocks from my apartment and a private bus chartered to get workers below the restriction on 96th street made a wrong turn and ran me over. people say i was hit by a bus. i was actually sucked under the wheels. (audience reacts) >> jon: that is the appropriate sound that you would make. >> thank you. >> jon: and the thing that i didn't realize is you didn't... you suffered not only the injuries of that, but you and the bike sort of... melded together. i mine, you really were... i mean, not to relive but i think
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the details are important to see how far you've had to come back. >> yeah. i mean, the bike basically did the damage. you're a rider with a piece of aluminum or steel in between your legs so the bike basically sliced me open like a can. (audience reacts) >> jon: how much blood did they give you in the first two days? >> in the first 10, 11 hours i received 68 units of blood. (audience reacts) >> jon: crazy. and they gave you... to have been survive just this night 5%. >> less than 5% chance to live. one. >> jon: one of my favorite stories in the book, you run into lance armstrong at a... now you're out of the hospital, you're not competing at the marathon but you're at the new york marathon. >> the firemen took me out and thought it would lift my spirits. i was a year out of the accident and they took me to the start of the marathon and it was lance's debut. >> jon: and you happened to catch his ear for just a moment. what did you say to him? >> well, his people didn't want him talking to anyone.
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so i said lance, come on, they gave you a 50% chance, you lost a testicle, i said they gave me a 1% chance. got a second? he took his head phone out and someone took a picture so i have a picture with lance's face like.... >> jon: (laughs) "i got nothing." (laughter) you were an athlete and an elite athlete before this as well as being a firefighter. but the story is about your emotional state going through this. you're a firefighter, it's about guys hanging out. talk about difficulty you have after this accident figuring out who you were. >> my life was turned upside down. here i am part time a wheelchair not knowing what the outcome of future surgeries was going to be. i was sliced open so for two years i had a colostomy bag. if that was the only thing that happened to me, it may not be
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the end of the world, but for a single guy in the city, firefighter guy in the city, athlete, it was huge. and i tell everyone the physical injuries weren't as bad as the mental injuries and the mental damage that i had to really overcome. >> jon: so what snapped you out of that? what was it... the cumulative effect of getting you to get back on and show the tenacity that you had showed for so many years before that. >> my mother. i told my mom and dad one day that i got bad news from a doctor, and i said i'm glad you prayed and i lived and you should have prayed to let me die. that's nothing you should ever say to your mom. (laughter) trust me, don't do it. (laughter) and she looked at me and i guess i expected her to reach out and hug me and she did and she said "enough's enough. we suffered, too. we didn't get hit by this bus but we suffered like you did, twlerp every night in the hospital, five months, we were
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there for every surgery. and you have to pick up your life and do the best you can." it took about two weeks to settle in but she was right. >> jon: that's one of the most powerful moments of the book. your mother who... you know, family, nine kids, raised in brooklyn, your dad ran an ice cream parlor and a real tight family, idyllic background. the mom, can quiet hero of the whole thing, when she stands up at the end to say it you're like reading it and you stand up and you're like "mom!" you did it! it's awesome! as a parent you hope... as a parent you try to impart wisdom in your kids. but to see something like that have such impact on a grown man, really was a very moving part of it. now moving ahead you're competing again. >> i am. >> jon: and you're going to compete at the end of august. what's going on. >> the world police fire games
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are coming to new york for the first time in i think the 15th to 16th game. they happen every two years. there will be 18,000 firefighters and police officers from all over the world will come to new york city to compete from billiards to basketball hockey and i'm going to ride my bike. >> jon: that's awesome. (cheers and applause) the police and fire games, i can't imagine it will be a very heated rivally between those two, the police and the fire. (laughter) >> jon: not at all. i've been to 9/11 tribute dinners where the firemen and policemen are segregated on either side and they spend the whole night looking at each other like this. "why didn't we get an extra piece of fish." so what are the odds? you like your chances this year? >> i've competed in a lot of games playing basketball. now it's about going against the clock because i'm also... i want to try out for


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